names brenden or twitch im 23 and i ride bikes!
so most of 2013 i was dating this girl , ive been in a bunch of relationships in the past and i truly 100% thought this girl was the one well things fell apart rather suddenly and i was devastated by it to the point of really bad dreams and thoughts and then learning she found someone new with in 2 months hurt as well then she completely kicked me out of her life and cut off all contact around november of 2013. this completely drove me over the edge into manic depression , and it being winter and clod season i couldnt really get out to ride my bike to at least try and ease my pain. so things kept building and boiling and no matter how hard i tryed i could not get over her so i pushed through and saved up money from my deadend job to leave ohio. i told everyone that my trip was because i needed to leave ohio but in reality it was mostly to try and get over her. i figured if i was away from the places we met and the memories they held i could try and conquer this depression and my feelings of her would fade.. on febuary 7th i think i left for florida , this trip didn’t workout unfortunately but even being away from ohio and its memories for that short amount of time did help me , i was actually happy and smiling when i was gone. I knew as i was driving north and returning home that time away was what i needed . so i tryed to make my stay in ohio as short as possible ,i ending up staying for only a few weeks then leaving again for the west coast . i knew i needed to drive as far away as i could thinking with every mile i put behind me the pain would slowly weaken. after a long time gone staying in colorado las vegas and southern california having the best times of my life and meeting the best people ever it was time for me to return. I felt i was comign back a changed man , i though i made it over this moutian of feels that was casting a dark shadow on my life . i returned home finally middle of june after being gone since end of febuary things were good i wasnt happy but i wasnt feeling depression either . fast forward to 5 days ago. randomly i get an add notification on facebook and discover itrs my ex….immediately all my emotions and memories rushed back to me liek someone was spraying me with a fire hose. but i thought “NO ive changed ive gotten over it i canbe strong enough to be friends again” big fucking mistake………. upon readding we made small talk a few times and earlier i finally came foward and asked her why, why after all this time did you decide to talk to me again and this was her response
"To Be honest I miss you. You were a big part of my life for a whole while"
this reopened that flow of feelings and it was stronger than i was able to control everything that i thought i was over came back to me, all at once . me being well me and such good at hiding feelings played it off with a return i miss you too yada yada yada , but in reality im in so much emotion pain its almost unbearable. i continued the small talk hoping the pain would pass thinking maybe its just a temporary relapse, another big mistake , askign her what shes been upto the past while and she come at me with the fact that shes moved in with her boyfriend and has been for a while struck me like a bolt of lightning sending that heartbreaking and painful chill down my spine . i could no longer contain my emotions and had to step away from the computer as i feared the tears running down my face would ruin my keyboard and i would end up saying sometime else or gaining another fact that would put even more nails in my coffin. So im sitting here now all alone in my apartment sobbing like a fucking baby and being more of a fucked up emotional wreck than i was before i life and i dont know what to do. i dont really have many friends anymore and the select few i do are busy or out of state or im too embarrassed to talk to them but in all honesty i i need a friend , i need a shoulder , i need a hug im in a bad way with no one around and i need help… i dont know if i can do this alone again….. but honestly does anyone ever care that im in pain.. would anyone ever notice if i wasnt here? so many people have just pushed me out of there life that im not sure theres anyone left that sees me as a big enough part of there life to notice me not there. i believe this hole post will probably go unnoticed just like my general existence or lack of it..but in the end i guess this post was for me anyways its better to let feelings out even if no one is listening…